Honestly, if it wasn’t for The Twin, I wouldn’t even have completed studying. Many people have been telling me that I have to really put effort in, and always lean on God, but somehow the only person who can make it all really go through and settle in is her, which isn’t surprising because I suppose it has always been that way from the beginning of time. All she has to do is say one word, and I’d go back to my books in a jiffy. A bit like an obedient little puppy, which is kind of weird, and also slightly exaggerated.

But I’m grateful for that, because even though so many other people and events have been such great driving forces to get me to where I am, she’s definitely, hands down, the biggest driving force ever. Case in point: these two weeks have been so busy, but she has somehow kept me grounded and helped me prioritize. Which helped so much.

I don’t know what it’s like to not have a twin, but I suppose having one is something very special.

The Twin is probably reading this, and she’s probably gonna want to scold me for wasting my time on this, so I’ll clarify that I only spent 10 minutes on this. No scolding k. Thanks. =P

Oh, and if you (the person reading this) don’t have a twin, well, don’t feel too sorry for yourself. =P

Here’s to the second semester and to The Twin starting medical school (hurray!).

Exams can be pretty brutal sometimes. Some of us experience its brutality more often than others, the rest of us watch and grimace.

Unfortunately, Exams took a pretty good swipe at me this time. It just about nearly knocked me off my feet and because of that I most likely have to retake a paper.

Now, under normal circumstances, I’d be too ashamed to even talk about not doing well for exams, but coming here and observing other cultures has helped me to realize that it’s mostly pride that holds us back and makes us not want to admit and accept the fact that sometimes, we just misstep. The Malaysian Chinese call it kiasu-ism, and it pretty much affects all of us. The thing is, I now know that I want no part in it. At all.

Don’t get me wrong; a little competition is always good. But when it gets to the point where we are expected to constantly hide the fact that we aren’t perfect, that’s a little too far out. It’s like twisting an ankle, and then making sure you don’t stand up in the presence of others so that they won’t know that you’re hurt.

Alright, I exaggerate, but you catch my drift. At the other end of the spectrum, I’m not saying that it’s good to perform below par. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t feel ashamed at all. All I’m trying to point out is that there should be other driving factors to make us do better, and not merely to please your ego.

I am also rather against the idea that if you fail, it’s because God wants you to fail. That’s almost as if all we’re doing is finding someone else to put the blame on. And because God isn’t a person standing in front of you, it’s alright to blame Him. In fact, if we actually think about it, most of the time, we don’t do well because we don’t put in enough effort, or there was something wrong with our methods, or we were too proud to accept counsel (or at least, I was).

Anyway, back to the topic: I didn’t do well, and will almost definitely have to retake the paper. Initially, it came as a huge blow. To my ego of course. My over-inflated ego. But slowly things were put into perspective.

After a slightly prickly Skype session with my parents, I sort of realized that I could have done a lot better. It was right there, waiting for me to reach for it, but I just let it slip between my fingers. Before the Exam-that-took-a-swipe-at-me, people used to tell me, “Oh, you’re in medical school now, don’t expect to get good grades. It’s normal to not do well. Just aim to pass.” That isn’t bad advice, because honestly, even aiming to pass can be rather stressful sometimes. But now, I don’t really want to just pass anymore. I want to do better than just passing.

My father told me that my mum remarked to him, “If she can’t do well for her exams, what if she becomes a mediocre doctor? I wouldn’t like seeing a doctor who doesn’t really know his subject matter well enough.” Okay, those aren’t her exact words, but you get the gist of it.

And it got me thinking. Do I really want to be a mediocre doctor? Sure, most of the time, people would walk in with general colds and stuff like that, but do I really want to just be so-so? I know that scoring 100% in exams does not guarantee that you will be a good physician, but it’s a start. Your basis has to be there.

I know what I want now. It’ll be a rough ride, but I’ll make it through. With Him, I know I can, and I will. I might not be the best of the lot, but I’ll give my best.

And I honestly see the retake as a major blessing. A chance to do better, to better understand my subject matter.

 Give thanks in all circumstances.

                                             1 Thessalonians 5:18a

*Yeah, the post is long, but it only took me several minutes to get this all out, so it still counts as a quickie. x)

Three weeks of rest and rejuvenation.

Three weeks to put things in order, to reassess and prioritize.

And here it is, the very last day of my first three week long Christmas break here in snowless Krakow (Yes, it stopped snowing, so it’s not white anymore. The weather’s kind of messed up).

Honestly, I’ve never been so grateful for holidays. I remember back in primary and secondary school, I never knew when my holidays were, or how long they lasted. I guess I never really cared because 1. admit it, Malaysia has far too many holidays. Terrible for productivity; and 2. I never had to work this hard.

Sure, I studied a lot in Malaysia. I got involved in extra-curricular which ate up a bulk of my time. Sure, completing Cambridge A-levels in 10 months (more or less) was kind of stressful at times. But being a medical student takes it all to a whole new level. There will always be 50 more pages to read, understand and digest, always a new term to comprehend, always a new structure to learn by heart. It teaches you the true meaning of the word ‘hectic’. And you finally figure out why God gave us the Sabbath.

I’ve even learned to look forward to the weekends, when I used to just let it pass, because I never really needed them as much as I do now.

I’m not looking forward to resuming medical school very much because that means a new cycle of tests and exams (as if the dark circles around my eyes aren’t bad enough). But then I realize that it gives me another chance to marvel at how God knew just how to make us, and another chance to thank Him for making me more or less normal (you know, without trisomies and stuff), and going back to school doesn’t seem so bad after all. =)

So here’s to the new year! Na zdrowie!

P.S. If you haven’t already seen it, here‘s the video of the 2012 New Year celebratory fireworks that I recorded at Krakow’s main square.

P.P.S. And here‘s the video of the brilliant fireworks display in London, which you’ve probably seen because it was all over Facebook. 

I concede that this isn’t ‘real snow’, as the Europeans would promptly tell you, because snow should be thicker than that. And also, apparently it’s not as likable as this is. But I reserve all rights to be excited, even if it is really light. It is my first time seeing snow after all.

I’d upload more photos to this post, but WordPress has a media limit for non-Premium users, and at the rate I’m going, I might pass the limit sooner than I think. So these few will have to suffice. The rest are all on Facebook. =)

I am still so amazed by it all. For some unknown reason, I find it so magical, so enchanting. You wouldn’t think that frozen water falling out of the sky could be this amazing, but it is. It’s just fantastic. On one hand, it looks rather dreary and dull, all black and white and lifeless; but on the other hand, it just seems to sparkle with a life of its own.

The most wonderful part has to be when I took a closer look and saw all the individual shapes of each snowflake. You see them in cartoons mostly, and you hear about them, but when you really see it up close for yourself, well, words can’t describe how amazed I was. I must have stood there in the cold like a silly child for about 10 minutes just marveling at it.

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On a completely unrelated note, I highly recommend the movie ‘Dead Poets Society’ this winter. The themes are depicted so accurately and in such a poignant manner. And I happen to like Robin William’s lines in the movie too.

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are the human race.”

- John Keating

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On another unrelated note, I changed my header! Not the best of headers, but I like how it depicts a shift from Fall to Winter.

I've never been so happy to see Malay words

Helloooo people. I know I’ve left this blog unattended for more than a month now, but now I am back! Exams and laziness make a terrible duo.

I’ve learnt so many things since I started medical school and I’m pretty sure there’s lots more to learn. Probably will share them with you one day, but not now. Now I’ll tell you a little tale.

once upon a time, in a quaint little town called Kraków …

I had just returned from school at around noon, and being exam season, I was so physically exhausted from the lack of sleep and mentally tired from studying for exams and preparing for classes at the same time. Not an easy task when you need to cover a few hundred pages for one test and around 10 more pages for each class the following day. On the way home, I had planned the rest of the day out in my head: reach home, nap, get up, eat, study, eat, study, sleep *I know, it sounds terribly nerdy. But you wouldn’t want a future doctor who knows next to nothing, would you?*

So at around 12.45pm when I was about to go to bed, the doorbell rang. I went to open the door and lo and behold! there was a tiny mailman with a huge grey moustache, standing there with three brown boxes at his feet!

Mailman: Dzień dobry. Trzy paczek (Good day. Three packets)

Me: Dzień dobry. *stares*

House mate: I think those are your packages lah. 

Me: *stares some more* *peeks at label on packages* *sees the word “XIU” on the label* AH MY BOXES ARE HERE! *jumps a little*

Mailman: *stares* *takes out papers and a pen* Dla pani. (For you)

Me: Okay. *grins* *signs papers* Dziękuję bardzo! (Thank you very much!)

Mailman: Proszę bardzo. (You’re very welcome)

Me: *still grinning* Dziękuję bardzo! *starts squealing*

I’m pretty sure the mailman now thinks that I’m mad. But I was so excited! I still am! I dragged all three boxes into my room and impatiently pulled apart the many layers of packaging to get to the boxes and their contents. My poor housemates, they had to put up with my persistent squeals (*squeals* Sambal! *squeals *Kuey Teow leh! *squeals* Oh am gee! MILO!)

By the time I was done opening all three boxes, my room was quite a sight. Brown paper strewn all over, lined with packaging plastic. Packets upon packets of curry mix and every other kind of premixed cooking powders. A huge packet of dried chili. More than 2kg of Milo. Glass bottles of soy sauce. Highlight pens, because they are so pricey here, along with plastic wraps for books, because apparently Poles don’t use them, and hence don’t sell them. Beautiful bed sheets, because my mum insisted that I should have them.

Come to think about it, I don’t know why I argued with my mum about the bed sheets. I was so insistent on her not buying new ones for me and sending them over, and yet, one of the first things I did when I finished unpacking my packages was to change my bed sheet into one of the three that she sent me, and then stand back to marvel at how it matches my quilt cover so well. I guess I do the dumbest things sometimes. So glad that my mum still sent those bed sheets over. I absolutely <3 them to bits.

so I was talking to a friend . . .

…who also received her packages yesterday, and she totally understood my excitement. She understood why I squealed, why I did little jumps, why my excitement was still so obvious the next day. And we both agreed that it was more than receiving food or clothes or bed sheets. It was as if we received a little something from home.

The magic was in somehow knowing that the people who care most for you probably spent time bickering about what brand of soy sauce was better, which bed sheet looked nicer, how many packets of dried noodles to send, how to pack the things into little boxes and what went in which box. Then those same people hauled it all over to the post office, made the necessary payments and prayed that it will reach you intact.

Most of all, it is in feeling warm inside that comes with the realization that at the end of the day, the people that matter most to me are the people who have devoted a huge part of their lives to me: My Family. My Ohana. <3

Oh, and you’ll probably understand what the child means if you know the stories in the Bible. Even if you don’t, it’s still kind of funny.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.  One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked  some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son  named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of   Egypt  and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,  but that doesn’t sound

very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Nature is so distracting.

Autumn came knocking several weeks ago, and the temperature has been skydiving since then, along with golden leaves, brown branches and red flowers.

I’ve never been so distracted by the sheer thought of watching leaves fall, or looking at the trees sway slowly in the cold autumn breeze. Attending classes has a been a bit of a challenge because 1. I keep wanting to turn around and look out the window at the back of my class; and 2. I sometimes find it hard to convince myself that other things are more important than walking around town looking at trees. They are just trees.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend over Facebook two weeks back. She said that she really wanted to experience autumn because for her, the shedding of leaves signifies a new beginning. A beautiful thought, but I simply had to disagree.

I don’t see new beginnings in autumn. As morbid as it is, I see death and death alone. New beginnings are for spring. Autumn is for death.

Everything we know on this earth will one day pass away. I will die, you will die, the trees will die, too. And autumn is just a beautiful excuse for it. Every leaf that falls is a leaf deprived of nutrients, falling because it is no longer sustained by the tree. Every dead bug lying on the ground is a bug which failed to withstand the piercing chill of autumn.

But even then, autumn shows me that death can be such a beautiful thing. Beautiful enough to distract me. Beautiful enough to make me want to take a hundred photos with my camera and a million more in my head. Beautiful enough to make me sigh and thank God that I’m here, in spite of everything else.

I suppose the same thing could apply to human death. We mortals mostly have this morbid idea of death. We look at it with trepidation. It is an ugly creature, rearing its head where it is wanted the least. But autumn is teaching me that death doesn’t have to be ugly. It can be beautiful. If the life we’ve lived were good ones, the memories that lived on would be beautiful ones, and that, to me, is the beauty that lies within death.

Tonight’s just like any other weekday night – Anatomy and I chilling as usual with YouTube on the side lines. And then I came across Rascal Flatts’s VEVO. They’ve been one of my all-time favourite country bands for quite a while, but for reasons unknown, I’ve never really been acquainted with their, so I decided to run through their playlist on VEVO.

And I found a not-so-new song of theirs – Every Day. It speaks about how one person knows another so well, that they are able to help the other through the day just by being there for them and understanding them better than anyone else.

Somehow it reminded me of how God has always been there for me. I’ve come to a point where I realize a lot of people don’t believe that God can do anything for us (even those who profess faith in the god of their religion), but to me, He speaks and works in so many ways, from the great to the miniscule, from the awe-inspiring to the ordinary. He makes so many things fall into place, and He rescues me from myself and the consequences of my actions every single day. The most amazing thing is most of the time, we won’t even notice that His hand is over our lives the entire time.

To top it all of, Christ saved me through his death and resurrection – definitely no small price to pay.

Very often, I take my blessings for granted. Lately, I’ve been taking it for granted even more. Who would have thought that a simple song could speak so strongly to me.

I took a train from Krakow to Warsaw with 14 other Malaysians last Saturday to attend not one, but two Raya open houses! Open houses equals food, and I lurve food. I like seeing my friends in Warsaw too, but hey, good Malaysian food two days in a row? Absolutely fantabulous.

We did take some time off to go sightseeing in Warsaw. They have an Old Town which doesn’t look old. The reason? Feel free to read on your own here. It’s a very short article, so no excuses for not reading it, unless you already know the history of Warsaw’s Old Town.

I’ll let the pictures do the talking now (more pictures on Facebook). And yes, I’ll explain the cabaran my kecinaan faced when the right photo appears. I have several recordings that I thought of editing and uploading, but I’m far too lazy to do that. We’ll see if the hardworking bug kicks bites any time soon.

My compartment buddies for the ride there.

The view from the train on the way to Warsaw.

Touch-down in Warsaw!

The first open house we attended. Oh, Nasi Lemak!

All the Malaysians from my batch who made it to Poland.

The Palace of Culture and Science. A gift from the Soviet Union to Poland. It was quite a sight in the midst of all the modern high-rise buildings. Read more about it here.

FREE HUGS! No, I didn’t get one.

Warsaw Old Town

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the stadium for the upcoming Euro Cup!

This dog’s owner walked into the shop to get something and the dog faithfully waited outside till its master came out. Then it obediently trotted along behind its master.

See the angmoh fella in that blue windbreaker? See the excited face of my friend at the side of the photo? That’s because the angmoh. Speaks. Mandarin. Fluently. He could hold a proper conversation in Mandarin, albeit with a funny accent. Very frankly, it made me feel less of a Chinese than I am. Hence, my kecinaan was challenged.

Second Open House at the Ambassador of Malaysia’s official residence

The very delish satay style chicken. Yum.

All in all I had a good time. I’ll probably be visiting Warsaw several times during my time here in Poland, so then maybe I’ll get bored of it.

Warsaw’s a nice place, definitely more modern than Krakow in terms of architecture and infrastructure. Not that I’m complaining. I like Krakow more because I didn’t come this far to live in a place which looks too much like a small developing town in Malaysia, albeit with blonde haired people and a difficult foreign language. On the upside, the people in Warsaw speak more English than the Krakowians, which would definitely make life a lot easier for non-native Polish speakers like Yours Truly.

Anywho, I’d still choose Krakow over Warsaw.

The title of this letter/poem thingy is “Abraham Lincoln’s Letter To His Son’s Teacher”.

Honestly, I don’t know if this really is a letter written by Abraham Lincoln, but it is a rather thought-provoking one. I know I talk a lot, but I’d rather just sit down and mull over things and discuss serious stuff. Provided it’s not about some brain-frying thing.

This I can manage, so I’d like to ask you to ponder over this a while and uncover the many hidden meanings for yourself.

He will have to learn, I know,
that all men are not just,
all men are not true.
But teach him also that
for every scoundrel there is a hero;
that for every selfish Politician,
there is a dedicated leader…
Teach him for every enemy there is a
friend,

Steer him away from envy,
if you can,
teach him the secret of
quiet laughter.

Let him learn early that

the bullies are the easiest to lick…                                                                                                                              Teach him, if you can,
the wonder of books…
But also give him quiet time
to ponder the eternal mystery of birds in the sky,
bees in the sun,
and the flowers on a green hillside.

In the school teach him

it is far honourable to fail
than to cheat…
Teach him to have faith
in his own ideas,
even if everyone tells him
they are wrong…
Teach him to be gentle
with gentle people,
and tough with the tough.

Try to give my son

the strength not to follow the crowd
when everyone is getting on the band wagon…
Teach him to listen to all men…
but teach him also to filter
all he hears on a screen of truth,
and take only the good
that comes through.

Teach him if you can,

how to laugh when he is sad…
Teach him there is no shame in tears,
Teach him to scoff at cynics
and to beware of too much sweetness…
Teach him to sell his brawn
and brain to the highest bidders
but never to put a price-tag
on his heart and soul.

Teach him to close his ears

to a howling mob
and to stand and fight
if he thinks he’s right.
Treat him gently,
but do not cuddle him,
because only the test
of fire makes fine steel.

Let him have the courage

to be impatient…
let him have the patience to be brave.
Teach him always
to have sublime faith in himself,
because then he will have
sublime faith in mankind.

This is a big order,
but see what you can do…
He is such a fine fellow,
my son!