A New Shade

It’s been a pretty busy two weeks. I thought that it being the holidays, I’d have enough time to finish studying and still find time to relax a little, but I very quickly found myself so hard-pressed for time. All I have to do is sit down, flip open my book, and the next thing I know, four hours have gone by, just like that. Time is a ninja, I tell you.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for The Twin, I wouldn’t even have completed studying. Many people have been telling me that I have to really put effort in, and always lean on God, but somehow the only person who can make it all really go through and settle in is her, which isn’t surprising because I suppose it has always been that way from the beginning of time. All she has to do is say one word, and I’d go back to my books in a jiffy. A bit like an obedient little puppy, which is kind of weird, and also slightly exaggerated.

But I’m grateful for that, because even though so many other people and events have been such great driving forces to get me to where I am, she’s definitely, hands down, the biggest driving force ever. Case in point: these two weeks have been so busy, but she has somehow kept me grounded and helped me prioritize. Which helped so much.

I don’t know what it’s like to not have a twin, but I suppose having one is something very special.

The Twin is probably reading this, and she’s probably gonna want to scold me for wasting my time on this, so I’ll clarify that I only spent 10 minutes on this. No scolding k. Thanks. =P

Oh, and if you (the person reading this) don’t have a twin, well, don’t feel too sorry for yourself. =P

Here’s to the second semester and to The Twin starting medical school (hurray!).

Reflection

I shouldn’t be blogging now, but I just thought of sharing a short reflection, so here’s a quickie.

Exams can be pretty brutal sometimes. Some of us experience its brutality more often than others, the rest of us watch and grimace.

Unfortunately, Exams took a pretty good swipe at me this time. It just about nearly knocked me off my feet and because of that I most likely have to retake a paper.

Now, under normal circumstances, I’d be too ashamed to even talk about not doing well for exams, but coming here and observing other cultures has helped me to realize that it’s mostly pride that holds us back and makes us not want to admit and accept the fact that sometimes, we just misstep. The Malaysian Chinese call it kiasu-ism, and it pretty much affects all of us. The thing is, I now know that I want no part in it. At all.

Don’t get me wrong; a little competition is always good. But when it gets to the point where we are expected to constantly hide the fact that we aren’t perfect, that’s a little too far out. It’s like twisting an ankle, and then making sure you don’t stand up in the presence of others so that they won’t know that you’re hurt.

Alright, I exaggerate, but you catch my drift. At the other end of the spectrum, I’m not saying that it’s good to perform below par. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t feel ashamed at all. All I’m trying to point out is that there should be other driving factors to make us do better, and not merely to please your ego.

I am also rather against the idea that if you fail, it’s because God wants you to fail. That’s almost as if all we’re doing is finding someone else to put the blame on. And because God isn’t a person standing in front of you, it’s alright to blame Him. In fact, if we actually think about it, most of the time, we don’t do well because we don’t put in enough effort, or there was something wrong with our methods, or we were too proud to accept counsel (or at least, I was).

Anyway, back to the topic: I didn’t do well, and will almost definitely have to retake the paper. Initially, it came as a huge blow. To my ego of course. My over-inflated ego. But slowly things were put into perspective.

After a slightly prickly Skype session with my parents, I sort of realized that I could have done a lot better. It was right there, waiting for me to reach for it, but I just let it slip between my fingers. Before the Exam-that-took-a-swipe-at-me, people used to tell me, “Oh, you’re in medical school now, don’t expect to get good grades. It’s normal to not do well. Just aim to pass.” That isn’t bad advice, because honestly, even aiming to pass can be rather stressful sometimes. But now, I don’t really want to just pass anymore. I want to do better than just passing.

My father told me that my mum remarked to him, “If she can’t do well for her exams, what if she becomes a mediocre doctor? I wouldn’t like seeing a doctor who doesn’t really know his subject matter well enough.” Okay, those aren’t her exact words, but you get the gist of it.

And it got me thinking. Do I really want to be a mediocre doctor? Sure, most of the time, people would walk in with general colds and stuff like that, but do I really want to just be so-so? I know that scoring 100% in exams does not guarantee that you will be a good physician, but it’s a start. Your basis has to be there.

I know what I want now. It’ll be a rough ride, but I’ll make it through. With Him, I know I can, and I will. I might not be the best of the lot, but I’ll give my best.

And I honestly see the retake as a major blessing. A chance to do better, to better understand my subject matter.

 Give thanks in all circumstances.

                                             1 Thessalonians 5:18a

*Yeah, the post is long, but it only took me several minutes to get this all out, so it still counts as a quickie. x)